Lonely

It was mid-winter in the AZ mountains. “I didn’t want this…not this.” Tammy screamed as she leaned down and took one knee over an almost motionless figure poking out of six inches of snow. After 60 years of yearning to be a part of something, how and why did it come to this?

Each exhale produced a thick wintry cloud as it passed her lips and mixed with the ambient air. It reminded her of waiting alone at the bus stop in middle school somewhere in rural TN, as she pretended to puff on her Pall Mall.

Upon inhaling, the cool air swirled with the warmth of her mouth and seared the tips of her teeth. A metallic taste filled her mouth as if she had just finished running a seven-minute mile in middle school gym class. Middle school, rural Tennessee.

“I didn’t want this!”, Tammy cried as she struggled to thrust the knife deeper, piercing first through flesh, then dropping into cartilage, which required a little extra force and effort.

As the knife brushed past bone, Tammy felt an eerie pleasure. She imagined herself a violinist, elegantly stroking the taught horsehair bow against the tightly wound strings, producing a symphonic, crowd-pleasing echo. She looked down as the blood made its way to the surface and mixed with the frigid air, blood crusting in layers over her hands almost immediately. In fact, she thought, it was mopping over her hands like perfectly basted BBQ, much like the pit boss at the BBQ place her mother would take her in middle school. Rural Tennessee.

Rural TN, Winter 1959

Marie was alone again. She’d felt this feeling before. Empty house, lonely dinners. She didn’t need to work because William, or Will as he was affectionately known through town, had a great job that afforded them a lavish home, cars, clothing, and comfort. From the outside looking in, Will and Marie were a happy couple. From the inside looking out, Marie was lonely - slowly slipping into psychosis as the days stretched to weeks and weeks stretched to months. A natural introvert, she would pace around her house in her finest attire, laughing at her own jokes, smoking, drinking to excess.

Will hung up the phone. His ears rattled; his heart sank. He was trying to collect his thoughts. Who was he just talking to? Who was on the other end of the line? Was that his sweet Marie?

Will worked overseas in the Marshall Islands. As far as anyone knew, or as he had told everyone who asked, he worked for NASA on a not-so-secret mission to send a man to the moon. His position required him to be gone for sporadic spans from a few weeks, up to six months. The pay was great, but the time away from his wife was almost unbearable. He did love Marie; she was his entire world. He would do anything to ensure her happiness. One day, the “anything” presented itself.

Will submitted emergency leave to travel home, citing the deterioration of his wife’s mental faculties. Will arrived home to find Marie sitting in her favorite chair, chuckling at the blank TV screen, Tennessee’s finest in her right hand. Will knelt beside Marie. Tears began to pour from his face as he embraced her. All he could do was sob as he held her, “My sweet Marie, I’m so sorry”, he choked.

Rural TN, Summer 1959

Marie was glowing and grinning from ear to ear as Will gently wrapped his hand around the leather steering wheel and cruised down Main Street, guiding their Buick through dips and curves. The weather was humid 90 degrees, but as the warm breeze hit their moist skin the temperature felt perfect. Marie loved times like this. She and Will riding along just listening to the radio, nowhere to be other than together. Marie looked over at Will. Will was staring at Marie with the love deep in his eyes.

“See something you like?”, Marie quipped.

Will had never seen her so beautiful. Her flowered summer dress draped her body, accentuating every curve of her body. Marie’s perfume danced on the wind as it circulated through the car.

“You know, I’ve traveled all over the world. I’ve seen places most people read about in books. I’ve been overwhelmed with emotions, the kind that root you deeper in the earth than a California Redwood, but”, he continued, “Every time I see you happy, like you are now, I get a feeling like I am flying deep through space, tethered to nothing, floating, lighter than a feather, but with a deep and profound purpose.”

Will always had a way with words and Marie felt the same. She was meant to let go, and trust that everything was happening in that moment for a reason. Just enjoy.

Suddenly, Marie heard Will scream, “Marie!” Her head jolted to the left and water began to fill the car. “Marie!”…

Marie woke up. Her head was wet, her heart was racing. Everything hurt. She could feel all the fissures of her skull crashing together as it pulsed with each pump of her heart. Her tongue was like sandpaper and her lips stuck to her teeth as she struggled to gasp for fresh air.

“Marie, wake the fuck up! It’s one in the afternoon”, Will demanded. “It’s time.”